Intentional Dating: Attract What Matters and Date Like You Mean It

Dating today can feel like a never-ending treadmill of swipes, texts, and uncertainty. Everyone seems to be looking for something, but no one knows exactly what....does that sound familiar? That’s where the "Unofficial 2025 Dating Buzzphrase" comes in (I should trademark that term)....intentional dating. 

So, what’s the intentional dating meaning in practice? It’s about dating with purpose, clarity, and authenticity. That is, knowing what you want and moving toward it without hesitation. It’s the difference between endlessly swiping and actually forming a connection that aligns with your values.

Most people date like they shop on Amazon...at least in my opinion. Does this sound familiar: mindlessly scrolling, adding things to their cart they don’t really need, and hoping for the best. But dating isn’t a numbers game...it’s a strategy game. And the ones who play it with intention.....for lack of a better word.....win.

Let me explain.

What Is Intentional Dating? (And Why It’s Important)

Intentional dating is being clear about what you want and acting in a way that attracts it. It’s not about playing games or dating more people in hopes that something "sticks". It’s about playing smarter and knowing what kind of connection you’re looking for, communicating it, and filtering out what doesn’t fit.

A lot of people think they’re being intentional just because they "want a relationship". But wanting something isn’t the same as being intentional about getting it.

Signs You’re NOT Dating Intentionally:

• You’re saying “I just go with the flow” (but secretly hoping for more).

• You’re afraid to ask what the other person wants, in case it “scares them away.”

• You keep dating people who don’t align with your values, hoping they’ll change.

• You feel stuck in a cycle of talking stages, casual flings, or one-sided effort.

Does this sound familiar? No judgment, I promise! Most of us have been there. But here’s how you can change it.

1. Define Your Why: "Clarity Before Chemistry"

Before you even open an app or agree to a date, ask yourself:

• What kind of connection am I actually looking for?

• Do I want something casual, serious, or am I exploring?

• What values do I need in a partner?

• What kind of energy do I want in my relationships?

The right people are attracted to clarity. Vagueness attracts confusion.

If you don’t know your “why,” you’ll end up chasing people who don’t fit...just because they’re, well, there. NOT GOOD. Intentional dating starts when you make sure you’re choosing your dates, not just responding to whoever shows up.

Shameless plug - if you're already jazzed up about defining your "Why", grab a copy of my book, Beyond the Match - Fundamentals of Dating in the ‘App Era.’ The very first chapter is ALL about defining your why and your goals.

2. The 5-Second Litmus Test: Is This Aligned?

Every time you match, text, or go on a date, I want you to do a quick gut check:

Ask yourself, “Is this aligned with what I want?”

• If the answer is YES, lean in. Be present. Give it a shot.

• If the answer is MAYBE, pause. Don’t rush forward out of loneliness or pressure.

• If the answer is NO, walk away...without second-guessing.

A lot of people settle into “maybe” situations because they fear being alone. But you can’t meet the right person if the wrong one is taking up space.

3. Communicate Early, Communicate Often. Just...COMMUNICATE.

Drop the fear of “scaring them away.” The right person won’t be scared by honesty.

Instead of vague, open-ended texting, try:

• “I’m dating to find a real connection. How about you?”

• “I value honesty and directness...what about you?”

• “I prefer getting to know someone in person instead of endless texting. Why don't we make a plan for drinks?"

For later in your relationships, we love Multiamory's "RADAR" protocol, which is all about communicating with your partner in a really fun and connecting way. Remember, clear communication filters out mismatches faster. It also signals confidence - one of the most attractive traits in dating.

4. Create High-Value Dates, Not Just “Hanging Out”

Lazy dating leads to lazy relationships. Stop defaulting to the same old “let’s grab drinks” routine.

Instead, design experiences that reflect who you are:

• Love art? Go to a gallery.

• Competitive? Try an arcade or escape room.

• Active? Go for a scenic walk or outdoor event.

People remember how they feel around you. As I've said many times before...feeling is good. If your dates feel intentional, they’ll associate you with something meaningful.

5. Set Boundaries - The Right Person Will Respect Them

If you constantly feel drained, second-guessing, or frustrated, it’s time to set boundaries. To ground us all in a quick "Boundaries 101" session, remember: Boundaries aren’t about controlling others...they’re about clearly defining what YOU need to feel safe, respected, and valued in any relationship. When you set boundaries with clarity and kindness, you create the space for deeper connection and mutual understanding, rather than resentment or obligation.

Examples of intentional boundaries:

• “I can't text all day and prefer to meet in person.”

• “I don’t do last-minute plans as I need to feel in control of my time.”

• “I won't date people who are not ready to commit emotionally to a relationship.”

Boundaries aren’t about pushing people away - they’re about making sure the right ones stay. The people who respect your limits are the ones you actually want in your life.

As a quick disclaimer: Remember that boundaries are OK to be "pushed" at times when you feel safe and comfortable. In fact, it's really an excellent moment for growth under the right circumstances. I say this so that you can be aware that it's OK and healthy for you to compromise at times for the right people / person. 

6. Dating With an Abundance Mindset

Most people date from a place of scarcity. They chase. They overinvest. They settle.

But intentional dating means knowing what you bring to the table and attracting people who see it too. More on this in my eBook "Beyond the Match" (don't be the "table").

• Stop overthinking every text - confidence is built by taking action.

• Stop chasing - when someone’s interested, it’s obvious. (If you have to ask, you probably already know the answer)

• Stop fearing rejection - it’s just a sign they weren’t the right fit. Rejection is a GOOD thing as you know that they're not right for you.

Flip Your Mindset:

Instead of thinking “I hope they like me,” start thinking “I hope we’re aligned and I like them”

Final Thoughts: Start Dating Like You Mean It

Intentional dating isn’t about forcing a relationship. It’s about attracting the right one by being clear on what you want and showing up as your best self.

So, here’s your challenge:

1. Define your why. What are you looking for?

2. Communicate it confidently. Stop playing small.

3. Only engage with people who align. No more “maybes.”

4. Choose better dates. Make every interaction meaningful.

The people who are right for you will recognize your clarity and show up for it.

Want to go deeper?

Check out our Free InTheMoment Dating Guides or grab a copy of Beyond the Match - Fundamentals of Dating in the ‘App Era.’

Remember, great dating isn’t about luck...it’s about strategy.